Saying What Needs to Be Said—Kindly
Have you ever noticed how hard it can be to say what needs to be said and say it kindly?
For me, it usually goes like this:
I know what I want to say. I know it needs to be said. But I also know that if I say it the way I’m feeling it, the other person won’t be able to hear it, much less use it. So I say nothing.
The problem?
When this happens repeatedly, things don’t get better. They quietly pile up. And over time, relationships suffer, not because anything dramatic happened, but because honesty never did.
It takes courage to speak up.
It takes skill to do it with kindness.
And it makes all the difference.
This is something Marcus Aurelius clearly understood. In Meditations, he praises his adoptive father, Antoninus, for his social grace; the way he never grew rude, never lost control, never turned harsh or cruel. Marcus admired his ability to feel at ease with people and, just as importantly, to put them at ease.
Ryan Holiday sums this up well in The Daily Stoic: “Honesty without tact is cruelty.”
And as Brené Brown reminds us: “Clear is kind.”
Recently, I had the opportunity to work with a group of inside and outside technical sales professionals on building emotional intelligence or “EQ”. One of the core EQ skills we focused on was empathy.
When we grow our empathy, we become more aware of how others are feeling. We learn to adjust our approach, not to avoid hard conversations, but to make them more effective. More human. More likely to lead to understanding instead of defensiveness.
That’s where real progress happens.
I’m on this journey too; learning to speak honestly and kindly, to build my EQ, and to show up better in my relationships at work and beyond. I truly believe that if we practice this together, courage paired with compassion, we can make our workplaces, and our world, a better place. Below are some reflective questions you can use with yourself or your team to grow your ability to say what needs to be said kindly…
Self-Awareness
When you avoid saying something difficult, what usually stops you, fear of conflict, hurting someone, damaging the relationship, or something else?
Think of a time you didn’t speak up. What was the long-term impact on the relationship or the work?
How do your emotions typically show up when you feel misunderstood or frustrated?
Courage
What hard conversation have you been postponing that you know is important?
What’s the cost of staying silent, for you, the other person, or the team?
When have you spoken up courageously in the past, and what helped you do it well?
Kindness & Empathy
How might the other person experience the situation differently than you?
What does it look like to be honest without being harsh in your role?
How can empathy help someone actually hear and use your feedback?
Clarity & Communication
What’s the difference between being “nice” and being “kind” in workplace conversations?
How can clarity improve trust, even when the message is uncomfortable?
What words, tone, or timing choices make difficult feedback easier to receive?
Application
What is one conversation you could approach differently using empathy and clarity?
What is one small habit you can practice to strengthen both courage and kindness?
How can this team support one another in having honest, respectful conversations?
Call to Action
“What’s one thing I can say more clearly, and more kindly, this week?”
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